--  Bicycling Handy Hints and Other Things  --

Fix a flat from July 2007 Outside Magazine

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Liar, Liar...I sure hope Lycra isn't flammable. Because -- judging by a lot of what we roadies say -- our pants could catch on fire.

Add these gems to the vocabulary of sneaky things said (and what's really meant):

"This energy bar tastes like real food"  Translation: This energy bar tastes like real dog food.

"It's not that hilly"  Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23-tooth low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"You're doing great, honey"  Translation:  Yo, lard-o, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter watching football and gobbling Snausages. I shoulda married that cute Cat 1 when I had the chance.

"It's not that windy" Translation:  Yes, that was a mobile home cartwheeling by. No, they're not supposed to be that mobile.

"I was just riding along when it broke"  Translation:  I rode down a flight of stairs on my 398-gram race wheels. I drove into the garage with my bike on the roof. I decided to save weight by filing the rails on my saddle.

"This is a no-drop ride"  Translation:  I'll need an article of your clothing. It's for the search-and-rescue dogs.

"The proprietary Carbonium tubing yields a stiff yet compliant ride"  Translation: This bike feels exactly like the 14 gazillion others produced in a monster factory in Taiwan, but our marketing guy had to come up with something to justify the $4,000 price tag.

"It's not that far"  Translation:  Yes, it is.

"I'm out of shape."  Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape."  Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the sprint if I have to force you into a pine tree. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike."  Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using Titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that far."  Translation: Bring your passport.

"Its all downhill from here."  Translation: There are still several hills so steep and long that Ned Overend himself would blow up and beg for mercy. The ONLY way to get back to the start is to go over those hills."

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Drafting...I'll be #4 anytime!  (From Outside magazine's "Wild File")